#and idk! all i want for christmas is very not material things!

[junktastic]

Hi everynyan,

Some of you will remember that I was taking names/addresses to send out free stickers in September. I am almost done sending them out now, so here's a quick update on that.

The Good!

I like this a lot! It's fun to do. For reference, I'm printing, laminating, and cutting these myself at home, so I'm learning a lot about my machine. I like being in charge of the quality control, I like doing the logistic work. Idk. It's fulfilling to me.

It's also really delightful to see names on the list who I've known of for a long time. Old and new faces, people all over the world, I love seeing people adopt a catgirl. :3 And for free! I'm by no means making a lot, but being able to provide something fun and physical to the people who enjoy my art for free is just! Wow!

The Bad!

Everything that could have gone wrong during this process did, which is why they're going out so late. The at-home manufacturing process was relatively simple but the materials kept being funky, or I'd do something wrong, so I'd have to toss something that I'd completely fucked up, OR I'd just miscount how much stuff material I had left. It's been a pain in the butt, so I'm glad it's done and that I've learned so much from it. I ALMOST FORGOT, I DESTROYED ONE CUTTING MAT MAKING THAT ROGER STANDEE FOR MY WEDDING LOL SO I HAD TO SPEND TIME CONDITIONING THE NEW CUTTING MAT! UGH!

There's also: the money. I know it's gauche to talk about it, but doing this was pretty expensive. I live in Canada now, and most of the letters were going out of Canada, so that postage added up. Materials cost, time, it's a pretty good chunk of change, but I didn't go broke so I want to do it again.

The Other?

I definitely want (and plan) to do this again very soon. I'm talking within this month. I'm making Christmas cards! I've already set money aside for this so it's all good, and it involves less at-home manufacturing since I can just reach out to a local print shop.

I know some people were wary of the google form, but I can't really find a better alternative at this time. MailChimp has had at least one major information leak in 2024 alone, so I am not sure where else to turn for collecting addresses at this time. I had a few people who did not give me towns/zip codes, and the street address would have three or four towns in that state alone with that address. Since I didn't collect e-mail addresses, I didn't have any way to reach out to entrants about this. If you don't see your sticker in the next few weeks, this might be why! I also plan on adding a checkbox just to confirm that the person requesting the sticker is over 18, NOT because I plan on sending anything saucy, but I know what it's like to be a teen with parents who open you mail, an I don't want to cause problems for anyone because Mom and Dad think fairies are satanic or something.

Most people I've talked to about all of this have really emphasized that I need to reopen my Patreon. I'm not saying anybody is wrong on this, but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I think anyone who's followed me for a while has seen me try and fail to do art full time or, hell, even have a schedule for something, and I've failed every time. I'm so scared of failing people again. How can I ensure that I'm producing things on time, to a standard I am happy with, that anyone willing to support me (in this economy?) would also be happy with? It will probably happen, but I'm just so... Plus, with all honesty, I have a commission backlog that I need to finish first! I'm bad at the business part of this whole thing, I think. I'm a blue-collar labourer in my heart.

That's my update! I wish you all well, please stay safe and take care of yourself and those around you. I'll post again when I'm collecting addresses for the Christmas cards.

[seawitchkaraoke]

christmas stresses me out so much every year, like i just don’t know what to get people! and i always wanna make it super personal and handmade and whatever but uhhhh of course i never come up with the super personal handmade ideas early enough so it’s always a timecrunch and just. aaaaaa

this year i wanna make my parents a like.... warmth pillow/plushie each? idk what they’re called in english, but essentially it’s a pillow filled with cherrypits (or some other seeds or grain or whatever) that you put in the microwave to heat it up and it retains the heat well so great for sore muscles or period cramps or just. winter. anyway i bought a bunch of cherry pits so i’m gonna do that for my parents but what do i get my brothers? my grandma? no idea! every year i just! have no idea!

and yeah i could ask but then i’ll also have to tell them what i want and lmao, i do not know, iabsolutely have zero clue

[dprvivi]

DATING P1HARMONY HEADCANONS :)

Ot6 x reader

Warnings: none really but some are a bit suggestive

Note: this is my first time posting, feedback is appreciated:)

THEO:

would be hesitant about intruding you to the other members but would love to introduce you to his parents early

he would probably brag about you all the time to his members

when you finally do meet the members he would be nervous, not about you but about them because he knows that they can be a lot

not very into pda but when you are alone he has his hands on you at all times

his favorite kind of date is probably something simple like gabbing coffee or having dinner

I think he wouldn’t mind you paying for dinner or dates but would always offer for him to pay first

wouldn’t want you to be involved in his work at all and would probably like to keep private and work separate

would still insist on always making you listen to new songs and then asking how you like his parts

not the biggest texter but likes to check in at least Daily no matter how busy he is

would send you Songs he likes

compliments you but likes it more when you compliment him

probably a big tease

will sing 24/7 especially in the car

is into showering together but never at the dorm and only at your place

would love to play his guitar for you whenever you are at the dorm and would practice love songs to play for you

texts you after every concert to tell you how it went but is pretty hard on himself

I think he would like to FaceTime when he’s away from home for longer, he likes FaceTime more then calls because wants you to see his face

KEEHO:

Theo sings 24/7… keeho sings 25/8

like seriously if you don’t like that you are dating the wrong person

is into pda, not too much tho like he would want to make out in front of others but definitely would like small touches and a kiss

loves going out together

especially when you go somewhere and dress up like fancy dinner

would be all gentleman about dates: pick you up, open the car doop and definitely pay

idk why but I feel like he makes awkward compliments, not awkward with the meaning but awkward because he brings them over awkwardly or at random times (but in a cute way)

would def introduce you to the members quickly but that’s mostly because he would want you at the dorm A LOT

very much into long and heavy make out sessions but only behind closed doors ofc

he is into nicknames like baby and babe

likes when you compliment his style or specific outfits he wears on stage

takes pictures of you when he thinks the lighting or background somewhere is good and would probably be very serious about it like you are a model for vouge

definitely wants you to meet his parents and if you don’t have plans for Christmas he will ask you to go to Toronto with him

always tells you about how he wants to make your relationship public but isn’t allowed to

would love it if you are backstage waiting for him at concerts

JIUNG:

the definition of boyfriend material fr

definitely shows you off anywhere (he is a proud bf)

he is the type that dates to marry so he will probably start imagining how his last name suits your first name since day 1

Calls you nicknames like darling

would love it when you are at the studio or at concerts with him but would definitely like to keep things light in front of others

but if you are alone in the dressing room or studio he would have his hands all over you telling you how much he loves seeing you at his work

Shows you new lyrics and songs all the time but expects you to be honest with him

cares for you and about you so much, like he enjoys taking care of you when you are not feeling well and checking in on you throughout the day

would also like you at the dorm

I see him wanting to cook with you like making dinner for the other members together

or sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night to make some kind of dessert which will lead to a super sweet make out session in the kitchen

compliments your mind and intelligence over your body

he is the type of guy to move strands of hair out of your face and look you deep in the eyes

cheek kisses>>> giving and receiving

LOVES watching romantic movies with you and holds you close the entire time, when s sad scene comes on the will hold you a bit tighter

would recommend you books and movies

when he’s on tour he would like too call every other day or so

will cry if he misses your birthday or your anniversary because of tour

plans the cutest dates ever for important days like that

INTAK:

we all know he’s a golden retriever

loved pda and loved showing other people how much he loves you

cannot wait for you to meet the members

will ask keeho what he thinks of you but will only accept good answers

he likes going shopping with you and he would go insane if you let him pick out stuff for you to try on

compliments you so much just because he cannot let you forget how perfect you are

SHOWERS you in kisses

loves it so much when you call him nicknames

i think he would actually stop breathing if he saw you in a hoodie or t-Shirt if his

likes dates but prefers staying in

when he talks about you to his friends he has the biggest smile on his face

he will ask you to come to the studio when he’s alone and show you new choreography’s that he is working on

would slow dance with you at any time and would probably nearly cry because he can’t believe how lucky he is

he would be so nervous when it comes to meeting your family or friends because what if they don’t like him

hates fighting more then anything in the world and hates it so much when you are mad at him

he will apologize so much and probably be in tears

loves cuddling and will always ask you to stay over for the night even if you have school/work in the morning

loves words of affirmation like he just loves hearing that you love him or that something he did made you feel good stuff like that

likes talking to you but could also hear you talk for days

SHOTA:

loves physical touch especially when you initiate it

Likes holding hands or having arms interlocked or leaning against each other

would love to game with you

builds you minecraft worlds even if you don’t play Minecraft

staying in bed and gaming/ watching YouTube is probably his ideal evening with you

loves texting during the day

he would probably enjoy if you would tell him random and small things without context

sends you his little symbol emoji’s 24/7

since you are probably still in school or maybe Uni he would try to help you with homework if studying but distracts you more then anything

would remember when you have tests and text you good luck

buys you stuffed animals all the time or wins them for you at arcade games (will name them too and call them your children)

dreams about taking you to japan and always tells you about all the places you have to visit once you two are there

will get all shy when you compliment him on anything

Shows you his dance moves very proudly but will definitely be nervous about your opinion

would be sooo flustered when you wear something more revealing around him but would love it and he will let you know

Probably likes the relationship to move slow because he doesn’t want to make it feels rushed or make you feel pressured

just a cutie

JONGSEOB:

so shy at first but as soon as you are together he is all yours and so open

incredibly nervous about you meeting the members because he just knows that they will embarrass him

Not to big on pda but loves holding your hand when he’s nervous

doesn’t like making first steps but just because he’s never sure with the timing

brings you into the studio at night all the time and loved spending time with you there

writes lyrics for you and sends them to you

loves listening to music with you

likes going out and staying in

I see him enjoying movie dates and shopping in vintage stores

He is OBSESSED with talking pictures of you with his camera

he will show the pictures to jiung or Theo and won’t stop talking about how cute you look

you are definitely his muse

also likes gaming together, Mario cart against him will lead to making out one way or another

he likes when you stay over for the night because he loves walking up next to you

will text you a lot and gets excited about seeing a text from you pop up on his phone

Blushes when you compliment him

he is hard on himself with his music so he appreciates it so much when you tell him you like something

Loves late night calls

his love language is sharing headphones

he is so interested in you, he wants to know everything’s and could listen to you all day without cutting you off once

[angelyuji]

your fic abt fiddleford and ford has me thinking…fiddleford would def use the memory gun on you. to make sure you never find out and confront him or try to leave bc my man is sosososSO guilty. esp if hes doing it out of his own obsession and hes not being spurred on by ford/bill. if he gets rid of your memory youd never know he took advantage of you, so no harm done right?

itd probably also lead to him becoming much bolder and sloppier, bc your memory is gonna get erased anyway. he can do whatever he wants to you without any consequences

taking advantage of you wouldnt be the only reason hed feel guilty. my man is literally MARRIED. hes got a wife and son. hed feel so bad abt being unable to control himself around you (esp bc journal 3 says hes religious. which just adds another layer to the guilt)

also…hed have some creepily fluffy/domestic fantasies abt turning you into a housewife/househusband or having kids with you if hes rlly obsessed. hed definitely be a very “traditional” guy, even if you were the furthest thing from housewife/househusband material

thank you for coming to my ted talk. im very normal abt fiddleford

STOPPPP im starting to like fiddleford now too omg

18+ minors dni!!!!!

OMGGG THE MEMORY GUNN I TOTALLY FORGOT ABT THAT. i feel like if they use it at first, you would eventually break down to them that you feel like ur being haunted like why else do u wake up with scratch marks, hickeys, and cum leaking out of you🤕🤕 they’d obviously tell you by showing you exactly whyy ur waking up like that and this time they wont wipe ur mind cuz too many wipes will make u braindead (they do need ur support on building the portal)

I LOVEEEE RELIGIOUS GUILTTT SOOO MUCH (why i love matt murdock so much) like he’s def on his knees, begging for forgiveness and then immediately going to ur room and making you beg iykim

also totally forgot that he was married with children lmao😭😭 he’ll go home for christmas and miss you, and the entire time he’s thinking abt how ford gets you all to himself for a week and he’s stewing in jealousy.

he def would want to keep you as a housewife/husband. however, it wouldnt get that far cuz (if we’re following canon) fiddleford does end up leaving the project. i think you (research assistant!reader) would stay for science yk like this is smth you’re interested in building a career around. idk tho abt this part

[myblorbojunao]

Santa Baby

Summary: Except for one huge problem: the guy you hired to dress up as Santa to surprise everyone in your workplace ditched you that afternoon. Time was running out before the party, so your boyfriend volunteered to help out.

Warnings: Explicit sexual content. Boyfriend!Rindou looking like a holiday snacc in a Santa costume. So many Christmas puns. Unprotected sex in an established relationship. Sex in public place i guess. Female bodied reader.

🔓RAN 🔓RINDOU 🔓 MIKEY 🔒IZANA

Word count: 2.1k

a/n: hello this is a part of my special holiday collection with my favs, idk if i should be pleased or alarmed that this fic basically wrote itself, i had so much fun coming up with these jokes why am i like this lol. anyways I hope you enjoy!

You wish your last coworker a pleasant holiday and wave them off as they leave. You have no idea what drove you to take on the burden of planning this year's office Christmas party, but you're glad you did since everyone had a great time.

All would have gone according to plan if not for the fact that the person you had hired to dress as Santa and surprise everyone had cancelled that afternoon. Your boyfriend volunteered to take on the role at the last minute.

You were very appreciative, and Rindou, who thrives in the spotlight, was a wonderful addition to the celebration, taking photos and chatting with your co-workers in character.

You've just locked the front door and are returning to the empty conference room where you've been holding meetings, to mentally sort through the remaining tasks before you can finally go home. You pause at the entranceway and grin fondly at Rindou, who is still dressed in Santa and is doing some unasked-for chair stacking in the corner.

“Great party, Y/N,” he chirps when he sees you. “Everyone had such a great time, you might not get a lump of coal this year after all.” He winks and plops his Santa hat on your head as you walk by.

“Hahaha,” you respond dryly, shaking the hat off your head. You walk over to the dessert table and start putting cellophane on the leftovers. “You know, I never realized before tonight how much you have in common with Santa? Loud laugh, looks fantastic in red… know where all the naughty girls live.”

He loudly laughs, snaking an arm around your waist as he steals a cookie off the tray you’re covering. “Aww, you know you’re my favorite ho ho ho of all,” he kisses your cheek and you both giggle stupidly. The two of you had been entertaining yourselves with these dumb Christmas jokes all evening and you’re shocked there’s still material left to mine.

Rindou tosses a few more treats onto a plate and takes a seat on the nearby couch to chat with you. Midway through the conversation, he gets up to remove his Santa coat; you’re surprised and a little confused at how much him unbuckling the thick belt interests you. He shrugs off the coat, revealing a tight white tank top underneath and you feel a familiar desire rising in you; he turns to hang the jacket on the door and you can’t help but appreciate how the costume’s pants cling to him in all the right places.

He returns to his seat to finish eating his snack and telling his story while you distractedly clean up; you try to pay attention to what he’s saying and you’re really trying not to think filthy things about him in a Santa Claus costume but you’re failing in both regards.  

He gives a loud throat clearing, and when you turn around to look at him, he's leaning back and smiling. “You really think I don’t know your ‘I’m super turned on but refuse to admit it’ face by now?” He teases you. “I’ve seen you making eyes at me all night, baby, don’t be embarrassed you still want to jingle all the way with me dressed like this.”

You shake your head, laughing at the absurdity of the situation. “I have to say, I’ve never wanted Santa to stuff my stocking like this before but ‘tis the season of miracles,” you retort cleverly, liking the look of amusement and maybe even lust in his eyes.

Rindou pats his legs with a smile. “Come sit on Santa’s lap, baby, tell him everything you want,” he invites.

You only hesitate for a second before you think fuck it and bound over to him. You sit across his legs and wrap your arms around his neck, promptly pulling him into what you intended to be a lusty kiss but you have to pull back to comment after only a few seconds. “It’s very Santa of you to taste like cookies,” you chuckle.

He grins at you, murmuring approvingly as you trace his lips with your tongue, tasting sugar, cinnamon and chocolate. He nibbles at your lips before moving to kiss them, picking up where you left off.

Your kisses are playful and unhurried but grow unmistakably hungrier as time goes on. Rindou’s hands remain uncharacteristically polite, one sweetly running through your hair, the other lightly tracing designs on your knee.

You smile into his kiss when you realize he’s leaving it up to you to determine where this leads, seeing as you’re at your workplace; you decide to declare your interest by slowly rocking in his lap. It only takes a moment for him to respond to your actions by shifting you to straddle him, ensuring your movement results in better friction for the both of you.

You lick into his mouth as you move against him, feeling him get harder and harder through the thin fabric underneath you.

He toys with the buttons on your blouse, briefly pulling away to raise his eyebrows, silently asking if you were comfortable with his intention. Your whispered “yeah” as you pull him back to you has him groaning into your mouth.

His fingers nimbly unfasten your buttons and his mouth immediately attaches to the tops of your breasts. “Always love you in lace, darlin’,” he comments as he plays with your nipples through your bra. “A little sexy for the office but I’m not complaining.” He chuckles as he traces along the balconette cups with his tongue.

You moan, running your fingers through his hair before tugging his head back so you can focus your attention on his neck. You feel him smile against your touch as you murmur, “Planned to make a move on you after the party,” you confess, gasping at how the seam of your pants catches on his hardness just right, delivering a jolt to your clit. “Figured I’d have to wait ‘til we got home but I’m not complaining.”

Rindou giggles with delight, reaching around to grip your ass and press you down tighter on him. “Who knew you were so eager to be Santa’s little helper?” He teases, giving you a light swat. You smirk and speed up your hips just to get a reaction out of him and he very quickly stills you with a groan. “We’ve either gotta stop this or start fucking, baby, you moving like that is about to make it a White Christmas in these pants,” he chortles loudly at his own joke.

“It is remarkable that I still want to fuck you even when you say shit like that,” you roast him, standing up to remove your pants. He grins and grabs your hips where you stand, kissing over your stomach, making his way down to the wet spot at the front of your panties.

You let him lick you through your underwear for a few seconds before you sit back down, this time getting on all fours beside him, bracing yourself against the arm of the couch. “Here I am ready to let you deck my halls and you’re making jokes when you could be getting your dick out,” you rib him before tossing a flirty look over your shoulder. “Come fuck me already.”

“Well… that’s definitely naughty list behavior, my dear,” he snarks, sitting up to deliver a playful smack to each of your ass cheeks.

You hear him shuffling and you turn to see him taking his pants down just far enough to pull himself out through his boxers. You feel a rush of pride at seeing his cock so ready for you, angry and glistening; you reach for him, using the precum to stroke his length, licking your lips when you hear him softly groan your name. You can’t help yourself and bend down to flick your tongue over his slit, needing just a taste of him before you get back in position.

You feel Rindou behind you as his fingers sweep your panties to the side and drag through your wetness, reaching up to tap at your clit before moving back down to tease your entrance. As you roll your hips in his direction, he removes his hand and replaces it with the tip of his cock. After gliding through your folds a few times, he pushes in, and you let out a sigh of satisfaction.

With surprising rapidity, he thrusts into you, his grasp on your hips tightening as he picks up speed. You relax your head on the arm of the couch and close your eyes, your mind racing from the rush of pleasure and excitement.

“Yes, Rindou… been thinking about this all night,” you murmur into the furniture.

“Love that you couldn’t wait ‘til we got home, baby,” he huffs, sounding more spent than you expected. “Love knowing that you need my cock that bad.”

You push yourself back up on your hands and start moving back against him, matching him thrust for thrust. “Always want it, baby,” you confess, whimpering as his length hits just where you need. “Fuck…always want to be full of you.”

He strokes his fingers down your back and you’re glad you’re wearing such a thin blouse because you can feel the heat of his touch through the light fabric. The two of you lose yourselves in the moment, speaking only in low moans and gasps; the slick, slapping sounds of your bodies moving together blend with the hum of the conference room's fluorescent lights to create a chorus you know you won't be able to get out of your head the next time you take a meeting in there.

It's clear from the tone of his voice that he's getting closer when he growls your name; you want to reach down to your clit to climax with him. Whether you made a frustrated sound or Rindou is simply that in tune with you, the next thing you know, he has you up by your waist and leaning back against him, thrusting fiercely as he slips a hand between your thighs.

“Ready to cum for me, darlin’?” He whispers seductively, but you don't have time to respond to it as he massages your clit, overwhelming your senses with pleasure. You cry out as your body shakes in his hold and his hips stutter as he begins to follow you over the edge; he gives you one, two, three final strokes, moans at how tightly your walls hold him, and then he spills inside you.

Both of you are speechless and gasping for air, so you stand motionless for a second before twisting slightly to take his mouth in a gentle, grateful kiss. He pulls away, pecking your lips one last time before he pulls out, smirking at the whine you always give at how empty you feel without him inside you. The office couch is in danger of becoming visibly stained, so he hastily hands you a stack of napkins from the table and you two work together to wipe up the mess.

“Thanks for everything tonight, baby,” you say dreamily, buttoning your blouse back up. “Helping with the party, helping with the afterparty… it was fun.”

Rindou laughs as he tosses you your pants. “Aww, Y/N. You know I’d do anything to give you a happy holiday,” he says suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

You pull on your pants and shake your head. “Think we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel with this humor, Rin,” you snort. “Gotta be honest, I really appreciate you holding back on the ‘here cums Santa Claus’ jokes right now.”

He laughs heartily. “You’ve gotta give me some credit here.” He pulls you to his side and cuddles you close.

“Oh I do,” you tilt your head up and give him a flirty kiss. “In fact, when we get home I might need to spread my holiday cheer for you again.“

Rindou giggles as he walks away to grab your coats so you can head out. You give a light smack to his ass, still looking delicious in those tight red pants; he whips his head in reaction and you respond with a wink, "Well, what do ya say, Santa Baby?”

[chocotonez]

skz: you get them a christmas gift they wanted

a/n: took so long to get this out because I was wrapping Christmas gifts </3 enjoy and stay warm!!

genre/warnings: fluff w angst maybe?? if you squint really hard?? christmas mentions but no religious connotations, tell me if there’s anything else that should be tagged

chan

-he'll never outright ask for something from you

-but he's very obvious about wanting smth even if he tries to hide it its kinda cute honestly

-so when you get him a new keypad he's been eyeing he is OVERJOYED

-kinda dumb and is like "wait how did u know" even tho earlier he was crying while looking at a photo of it

-over the moon,,,he just loves u so much and it's not even the gift its just the fact you listen to him and pay attention to his wants that make him so happy :>

-gets a little insecure over his gift tho but you reassure him u love it (you better)

-gives u a big kiss, the best gift he could've asked for was really just being with you

lee know

-tries to play it off, idk i feel like he’s the type to feel awkward when people show appreciation/gratitude towards him

-or like when people sing happy birthday he has a slight mental breakdown

-anyways anyways, he’s just bad at outwardly expressing how thankful he is, so he just squeezes your hand n gives you a really big smile

-”thank you, i love you”

-honestly if you didn’t know him that well you might confuse his reaction with being v neutral but that’s just him shutting down because he’s literally running laps for you in his head

-tries to outdo you though w gifts tho LMAO, but this ain’t about u rn this about him

-he wishes he could better voice how he grateful he is not only for the gift, but for you as well. In the meantime, he’ll stick to showing it :>

changbin

-screams or smth like that probably

-i think binnie’s generosity is very underappreciated, so even a sweet note that explains how grateful u are for him makes his heart burst w love

-he puts a lot of care and thought into christmas gifts, and knowing you either acknowledged that or reciprocated that means the world to him

-peppers kisses all over ur face while repeating how thankful he is and how important you are to him, he just thinks ur so precious!!

-sigh. If only he knew how cute he was.

-honestly i think he’ll get really excited no matter the gift, because you going out of your way to show you care for him makes him bawl his eyes out tbh

hyunjin

-probably gets u the gift you’ve been eyeing first teehee

-very emotionally intelligent, so he immediately noticed the way your eyes lit up when you saw something you liked at the store

-but he didn’t really expect you to reciprocate it in a way?? like obviously he knew you were gonna get him a gift but to get him something so special,,,

-even without material possessions he loves u more than anything but just knowing that you know him so intimately that you can recognize what gift he wants!! he goes insane

-gets kinda shy tbh like he genuinely didn’t expect this from you,,,it’s not that he doesn’t appreciate it but it’s just he feels so overwhelmed to know that the effort he puts into caring and looking out for you is the same amount of effort you put in as well (did that make sense??)

han

-cries probably

-I know I tend to exaggerate his emotions but he cries when he unwraps the gift

-he loves so playfully, but he gets nervous that you interpret this as him not taking your relationship seriously

-so seeing you put effort into getting him new producing equipment reassures him that you really do care!

-gets a little insecure over his gift but makes up for it by being really cute </3

-kisses u all over and is just jumping with joy!!

-like lee know he doesn’t really know how to express his gratitude, but for him it’s just because he doesn’t do so traditionally

-rather than the usual thank you cards, han goes the extra mile to show how much he appreciated it, whether it be producing you a whole album or buying you the latest *insert thing you wanted*

felix

-very taken aback

-rather than just one gift you made him a little gift box of things he likes!! and to him, seeing how you managed to gather all of his interests just means you really do listen and notice what he likes

-he really loves feeling cared for like that :,) there’s something so special in feeling heard in relationships, and you are always listening to him!!

-once over the initial shock he’s all cuddly and squeezing you and giggly

-“eeeee thank you!! you’re so cute!! are you blushing?? cute!!!”

-he is also blushing and giggling you guys r just two little cuties </3 cute

seungmin

-teases you and says “you’re obsessed with me”

-he’s madly obsessed with you too dw dw

-like lee know and han he doesn’t traditionally express his gratitude, but that’s just because the dynamic of your relationship is like that :> he feels comfortable enough to be himself and express himself in the way he wants to

-he’s admiring the gift and you’re snickering because u know he likes it and he’s just like “shut up I’m wondering if this is recycling or trash”

-he proudly displays it in his room or keeps it in mint condition LMAO, what a tease

-honestly he’s more grateful for how you manage to love him relentlessly, even if he can be a little bit mean teehee

-of course he loves the gift! but knowing that you can reciprocate his gratitude in your guys’ weird lil way makes him even more blushy

jeongin

-probably makes it a competition or smth lmao

-gets upset because how can he out-do you now!! but then he stops being a baby and he’s like omg wait you got this for me

-has to process the fact you got him something that’s been on his amazon wishlist for a solid three months

-“wait, really? for me?”

-he knows obviously you guys were getting gifts for each other, but it’s just the fact you evidently put so much love and you knew him well enough to get him this gift…That’s what’s so touching

-probably gives u a gummy smile and calls you a dumb dumb for spending that much money on some independent designer’s clothes that he’s been following

-weird sentence sorry sorry

-but!! his heart is so warm n fuzzy when he thinks about the fact that you really did something like that for him :> feels so appreciated

[antiquepearlss]

im going to harrass you with my tts halloween related questions until its tysmgiving and then i bombard you with tjose and yhen crisis, and well u get it idk

i love ur hcs i find them interesting

OKAY ANYWAYS, what dya think the tts characters favorite halloween candy is(or like what they enjoy bcuz thats what this ask ended up as)...

rapunzel likes all candy, she will eat anything and everything, but she secretly likes the fruity candies more than like chocolate ans what not, but shhhh everything is still apatizeing to her(except lemon stuff, like dont give her a lemon head man). eugene likes chocolate and so does cass, i think ever since i got introduced to cass i js thought she liked chocolate, specifically dark chocolate js bcus shes not much of a sweets person yk?(she usually takes the dark chocolate hersheys & dark chocolate milkyways if no one wants them) but eugene likes all chocolates, milky ways? yes. snickers? yes. heck even an almond joy he'll eat.

lance is like raps, he'll eat whatever(usually he just eats what the girls dont want LMAO) but smth about me makes me think his fav is jelly beans... angry and catalina are both similar, but i think catalina doesnt like nuts in her candy(i dont either, i know im insane u can hate me already), but kiera probably likes snickers, though i think she likes baby ruths more. catalina is a big fan of reeses tho, like yes peanut butter & chocolate yum yum yum.

varian likes the fruity candy cuz he is one /JOKE

but fr varian is one of those people who gets a whole carrot or smth and is like "omg thank you!!" and eats it like a chocolate bar, i do too so its okay. but his fav candy is skittles, like actually he will gobble down a whole bag like no ones business(he also likes gummies, of any sort really, oh and jolly ranchers)

and hugo doesnt get candy he gets mf rocks like charlie brown(respectfully, hugo probably likes kitkats and sweetarts)

this is so much IM SO SORRY HELP, my fav halloween candy is crunch bars & milky ways, but honestly all candy is so good lol

I’m so down, spam my inbox if you want. (I’m so hyped for Christmas Tangled Posting. Rapunzel loves Muppet Christmas Carol.) Also thank you very much.

So I’m definitely the wrong person to ask this actually. I’m not really a big fan of candy tbh. I like it sometimes, but I usually prefer savory snacks. Honestly what you said is pretty much canon to me. I love these.

But I’ll try my best.

Punzie Wunzie- Like you said, prefers fruity candies to chocolate. Probably likes skittles and Starbursts, stuff like that. I feel like she’d like gummies. Esp the orange ones with sugar on them.

Gene- Chocolate all the way. And not the cheap crap, the really fancy stuff, like truffles.

Lance- Same as Eugene but I think he likes Hershey chocolate and generally just candy bars. Probably likes sour and spicy candies as well. And yes absolutely he loves jelly beans. Same with Cat and Varian.

Var Bear- I think he’ll eat anything tbh but he canonically likes chocolate, so he steals Eugene’s truffles and Lance’s candy bars. And I can see him liking hard candies and suckers, because you can eat them while working.

Cassie Wassie- Again like you said, dark chocolate. She doesn’t strike me as much of a candy person. I can see her liking candy with nuts (despite being a lesbian)

Thing 1 & The Other 1- I feel like Cat prefers savory foods because wolf hehe. So yes peanut butter candies all the way. Same with Kiera, idk she just doesn’t strike me as that much of a candy person either so I think she’d eat ab anything as well. Like they like candy well enough they just don’t really have favorites. Maybe they both like sour/spicy candy.

everyone else- Quirin and Arianna like those old person candies that just materialize in your house when you turn 60. Adira also prefers fancy chocolates. Frederic, I don’t know let’s say circus peanuts. Hector doesn’t care why are you asking him this. Edmund hasn’t had candy in years, honestly he’d be happy just eating a bag of straight sugar.

My favorite is probably milky ways. Because they’re good and I gotta stick with my astronomy aesthetic I’ve got going on. Also Skittles slap.

[bratshaws]

through the hourglass 100. brb x oc

a/n: welcome to chapter 100 pls don't hate me because we aren't even half done and idk how to feel about this. lol

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: none, pure fluff and Rooster being dad material.

goodness gracious (pls read this one to know more what this fic is about!!)

chapter

1/

50/51/52/53/54/55/56/57/58/59/60/61/62/63/64/65/66/67/68/69/70/71/72/73/74/75/76/77/78/79/80/81/82/83/84/85/86/87/88

/89/90/91/92/93/94/95/96/97/98/99

(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist! )

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@peachiicherries @mak-32 @lizziespidiepridie @roosterswifey @ollyoxenfrees @piceous21 @sqrlgrl22 @hofficoffi @lexhalstead3 @lorilane33 @legendarydreamersharkparty @luckyladycreator2

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-

He got to work the very next day with some difficulty, because now that Nicole could speak, she could direct her words to either of them. So when she saw her father walk around with his uniform, she stretched her little arms with the saddest ‘dada’ leaving her lips.

It was a blessing and a curse, because that tore at his heartstrings. He just dropped everything to pick her up “Oh my baby girl,it’s okay, Dada will be home soon.” Her eyes were shining with tears “Aw man,don’t do this to me,Nikki,” he chuckles sadly, rubbing her tiny hand before bringing it to his lips, kissing those minuscule knuckles over and over as Nicole calmed down.

Beatrice walked out of the kitchen to meet the two, smiling softly, “She’ll be okay,Roos.” she says as her husband just bounces Nikki in his arms, “We are going out today since there’s no more rain and I’ll leave her with my parents later, I just gotta help Penny-” she smiles more when Rooster lifts Nikki up then brings her down to kiss her cheek, “And we’ll go see Marcus and check how the collection is going.”

“Oh,right.” Rooster murmurs on Nikki’s neck,”It’s in December,right?”

“Yeah,Marcus wants to do a launch party of sorts and…well,we were invited. It’s not for long, it’s just so we can see the collection.”

“That’s alright.” Rooster smiles at Nikki, kissing each of her fingers, “It’ll be fun,right? Yeah,it’ll be fun- then we gotta think about Virginia,gorgeous. After Christmas,yea?’

“Hmhm,Nikki needs to have her first Christmas around family.” she says, “Hey,why don’t we invite Mav to the Christmas party? My parents won’t mind.”

Rooster looks from Nicole to Beatrice and there’s something in his eyes that makes him pause. The last time he actually spend a holiday with his godfather…was when he was about twelve? Maybe, his mother invited Mav over and that was…the last time. He wanted to but at the same time he was nervous about it.

Him and Mav were still rekindling their relationship.

Literal baby steps.

But the little Bradley, the one that loved his uncle and wanted him close at all times, wanted Maverick close by. He wanted his uncle to enjoy some time with him and Bea - and her family. Of course he now had Penny but, maybe he just wanted to relive that, “I can talk to him.”

“Yeah?”

‘Yeah, check if he’s going to stay around for Christmas and…if we aren’t deployed, he can say yes.”

Beatrice’s gaze softened, “You sound nervous.”

He laughs awkwardly, holding Nicole close to his lips so he could kiss her head, “A little.” He confesses with his cheek dimpling a bit “I haven’t spent holidays with Mav in so long. And while we are talking again it’s still…fresh you know?”

Beatrice steps closer to him to gently touch his arm, then kiss his jawline once she stands on her her tiptoes “I know,handsome. “ she rubs his jaw with her thumb, feeling the muscle there tense up as he clenches his teeth “It’s up to you,okay? Would you want to have Mav close during the holidays?”

He hesitates, opening and closing his mouth only to nod in silence, nuzzling Nicole’s soft shirt “Okay, if you are sure talk to him. I have a feeling he’ll love it.” And her fingers comb some of the sandy brown strands back, leaning up to kiss his cheek and keep her lips there “It’s your choice, babe.”

“Yeah,”he inhales “I know, gorgeous. I know.”

And after prying Nikki out of him, with some difficulty, he managed to leave. That didn’t mean it was easy for him to approach his uncle and ask if he wanted to join their Christmas party at Beas parents. He kept looking over at Maverick whenever he walked close, his uncle smiling and offering him a two finger wave before walking away.

Rooster chews the inside of his mouth as he thinks on how to approach this, he had to think a bit because he…wanted Mav to say yes but he was also nervous if he said yes. Did Mav even liked Christmas anymore? He didn’t seem to be into the holidays no more from what he’d seen from when they got back to talking…

He better do it now before he chickens out completely.

“Mav!” his uncle stops walking to turn towards him, a clipboard under his arm, “Hey uh, what’s that?”

“Well,” Mav smirks, flipping through the papers, “I’m going to instruct some new pilots and I had to take notes. So I won’t forget things.” he chuckles looking over to his nephew, “Don’t worry you guy were my favorite group.”

Rooster, while happy to hear that, just cleared his throat, “So uh, Christmas. Are you and Penny going somewhere?”

“Not really. Nothing planned.” Mav looks up at his tall nephew, “Why?”

Rooster propped his hands on his hips and pursed his lips a bit, then crossed his arms because he felt too exposed, “Do you…want to spend Christmas with us at Bea’s parents? You,Penny, Amelia…I mean, if you want to. We’d be really happy to have you.” he pauses, “I…I’d be really happy to have you there.”

The older pilot’s gaze was unreadable but something in his light eyes shone, surprise? Happiness?

Confusion?

All that at once?

Maverick opened his mouth to speak, letting out a surprised laugh, “Really?” he asks his nephew who in turn nods, smiling just a little bit. Maverick taps the corner of the clipboard to his palm to fill the surprised silence that surrounded them, “I…I…yeah,yeah I can do that.”

“Really?”

For a split second,Pete saw ten years old Bradley who’d barely reached his stomach, looking up at him during one of his many visits, asking him to stay for Christmas. Carole often approved of it, in fact he thought she wanted him to stay just to give Rooster a sense of familiarity for a little while. “Yeah,really.”

Bradley’s smile widened, his cheeks getting fuller and his eyes shining, “...that’s…great. Thank you,Mav.” he was giddy, like memories of his past were coming back, memories of him and Mav sharing eggnog as his mom cleaned the table after dinner or the two of them sitting together, with Mav trying to build the train tracks he got from his aunt when he was too young to build them.

And maybe he just wanted to revive that moment because he felt like he could. He had a daughter now, he wanted Maverick to be part of her life as well but he had to deal with his own trauma with his uncle along the way. They came a long way from the first time they spoke, but there are still things that happened, distances that were kept.

The little Bradley in him wanted his uncle back.

The grown Bradley did too but had to deal with his own anxieties and traumas.

“Are you going to let me know where her parents live?”

“Yeah, it’s um,” he clears his throat, “It’s in Little Italy, I’ll send you a map and everything too. It…it’ll be fun,right?”

Maverick,whose eyes were still on Bradley, only nodded with a smile, “Yes, it will be fun Brad.” he looks down at his watch, “Oh, shit. Okay,I gotta go.” he gives his nephew a quick hug, backing away from where they stood, gesturing at him with his index finger, “You gonna call me,right?”

“Yeah, I will.”

“Good,oh! By the way, send me a list of things Nicole can play with, I can figure something out to give her in the meantime.”

“I will Mav.” he waves to his uncle, “Don’t worry.”

His uncle smiled more, saluting him again - this time Rooster reciprocate the gesture - and walked away from there, leaving the tall lieutenant alone and staring at nothing for a couple seconds.

That…was pretty good.

Rooster could relax, he told himself to relax and relieve the tension on his shoulders before turning back around to his office. “That was good.” he murmured, “I’m going to tell Beatrice about it, she’s going to love it.” he is loving it, he’s loving it more than he thought he would. He was really nervous about it, he had to admit it, but now that he got a positive response from his uncle?

Well, now he was more than okay it worked.

And…he had to think about what he could give Mav. What could he give Mav? He knew his uncle but giving him gifts was hard because his interests went from zero to one hundred in a matter of seconds. Again he should talk with Beatrice about it, but he’d only be able to message her around lunchtime and he still had…two hours left. “I can handle it.” he murmured to himself, closing the door in his office “I can handle it. I can handle not messaging Bea. I can do that.”

Even if his fingers twitched and itched to grab the phone, even if he just wanted to talk to her now he held back. Rooster inhales to control himself, rolling his neck and shoulders to ease the tension, remembering he had things to do and even if he wanted to talk to Beatrice, he couldn’t.

Not yet.

-

Thankfully time passed fast and he could finally check his phone after grabbing something to eat at the cafeteria. There was one message from Beatrice.

Bea (10:23)

Hi Roos! I didn’t mean to send you a message this early but someone wants to talk to you!:) 

He sat down on his usual spot, Maverick not there yet, to press play. It was a video of Nikki, being carried by Beatrice as they walked through the house “Okay,okay, I know you miss him.” his wife laughs, moving the camera close to Nikki whose light eyes immediately focus on her image.

She stills for a second, tapping her little hand on the screen before Beatrice speaks again, “Do you wanna tell dada what you were doing?” Nicole looked over at Beatrice and smiled “Yes,what were you doing before? What were you doing with mama?”

Nicole proceeded then, without breaking eye contact, to let out a long ‘dadadadadadadadadadada’ that changed intonations every now and again, in fact it only got louder when Beatrice brought her closer to their wedding picture hanging on the wall, “Yes,that’s dada. You miss him a lot,right?”

“Dada! Dada!” one single slap on his picture, “Dada?”

“Daddy is at work, we’ll see him in a few hours.” Beatrice wipes Nicole’s face with her hand, kissing the little girl’s cheek as she walks away from the picture, much for their daughter’s disappointed noise “Daddy’s girl,what did I say?” the camera then shows Beatrice’s smiling face “Anyway,I hope you like the surprise,Roos. She’s been talking nonstop since you left…I love you and I’ll talk to you around lunchtime okay? Oh,one more thing.”

The video ended with Beatrice blowing a kiss to the camera then looking at Nikki, “Can you blow daddy a kiss?” Nicole just blinked, another ‘dada’ leaving her lips so Beatrice had to maneuver her hand to show Nicole what she meant. Nikki did try her best to blow a kiss, but it just looked like she tapped her mouth and smiled at him “Yaay, that’s great Nikki! Say bye dada! See you soon! Bye! Buh-bye!”

And it was over… and Rooster was melting. He was tapping his boots on the floor with his face touching the screen, hiding his absolutely melting smile and the way his cheeks were flushed. He was so happy, he couldn’t be happier. If there was any way to write what he felt he wasn’t sure if he’d know the words.

He composed himself the best he could, messaging Beatrice with the same giddy smile on his face

Roos (12:13)

Baby <333 you are killing me here! She’s so cute, you are so cute. I want to kiss you so bad but I’m not home ugh! That’s evil.

Bea (12:13)

Hi Roos! I’m sorry handsome. She just started doing it and I couldn’t help myself…but I can work on the kisses when you get home :3c promise you that <3 

Roos (12:14)

Oh,baby don’t start with this. I’ll be counting the seconds until I get back

Bea (12:14)

;* me too. Anyway! How’s your day going? Did you talk to Mav?

Roos (12:14)

I did gorgeous. He said yes. So now we have to find something to give him as a gift, I have no idea what it’d be though.

Bea (12:15)

We’ll figure something out :) how are you feeling though? Did the nervousness pass?

Rooster’s thumbs hover over the small device as he thinks about how to reply, licking his lips once he found the words

Roos (12:17)

It did. Yeah,it’s dumb gorgeous. I shouldn’t feel like this, you know? Not anymore.

Bea (12:19)

Roos,honey, you need to understand that these thoughts are normal. You spent a good chunk of your life not talking to Mav, it’s okay to be nervous and scared. I know you love him, I know you want him back in your life and now in Nikki’s life…but certain things your brain can’t really filter and you have a hard time figuring out how to deal with it. You two made a lot of progress in the short time you got back to talking…so please don’t think it’s bad <3 

He was going to kiss her so hard when he gets home

Roos (12:20)

Baby…you always know what to tell me, don’t you?

Bea (12:20)

I do try, Roos. I want you to be okay. <3 I love you and your health - physical and mental - is so important to me.

Roos (12:21)

Bea,you are making this very hard for me. I can’t kiss you. I can’t hug you and I can’t have you close and I want to really badly.

Bea (12:21)

Sorry! But you know,I’m glad it helped. I really am,Roos. I’ll tell my parents :) Is Mav allergic to anything? No,right?

Roos (12:22)

Nothing that I know of,but I can ask him.

A presence, alongside a tray holding food settles itself in front of him and he looks up to see Mav with his sunglasses up to his hair and looking older than he was, “...must’ve been fun.” he smirks, “Good class?”

“It’s amazing how half of them managed to get into adulthood.” he murmurs, flicking his gaze to the group of officers that walked by, some of them throwing waves his way and he offered weak ones back, “They’ll be fine, but they need a lot of work.” he looks over at Rooster, “You could join me.”

“Hm?” 

“During one of the classes,” Maverick shrugs, “We were together at the Uranium facility. They’d like your input.”

Rooster moved his eyes from his phone to his uncle, arching his brow, “I instructed people before Mav. I don’t know if I’d want to again.”

“You’d technically be there as my guest.”

Rooster stops messaging Beatrice to meet his eyes, furrowing his brows a bit and…well,his uncle seemed like he wanted him to say yes. Perhaps because he wanted his company? Because he wanted someone he knew close by? He couldn’t answer, “Your fanboys are there too,” Mav said, “I’m sure they’d love to see you there.”

Bradley chews his lower lip, would he go there, just once? Just to talk to them? “...well…if you– uh, sure.” he says, part of him wants to but the other part…is nervous. 

He should talk to Bea when he gets home.

[4lovehearts]

okay late christmas gift from charlie again but wtv ...

CH☆R'S REQUEST 💌

robert 'bob' floyd x gn!reader

reader has been avoiding bob + overworking themselves, bob being the wonderful boyfriend material, he asks reader but it doesn't seem to work no matter how hard he tried ( etc, talking / trying to comfort them ,, asking them whats wrong ) , he then asks Phoenix for help on ways to help you ... ( idk what else u continue , )

OVERACHIEVER

platonic! bob x aviator! gn reader ; fluff / angst

summary — r has been overworking themself for the upcoming mission, avoiding bob in the process — that is, until an accident happens in the air

content / cws — mentions of overworking, blacking out, and a jet crash

a/n — i feel very meh abt this oneshot, and i'm not sure if this is exactly what you wanted, but it was all i could think of so hopefully you like it <3

‎‎‎‎‎‎‎

you were an overachiever, you knew that. hell, it was your call sign for a reason. it wasn't that you were trying to be better than others, no, simply that you were scared to disappoint, so you made sure you went above and beyond to manage expectations.

this mission scared you, it scared the other pilots too. flying at a level was way past the hard deck, being on the verge of blacking out, pushing your jet to the breaking point — it was a lot, but, being in the 'best of the best' tier in the navy, you had no choice but to train excessively. okay, maybe not excessively, that was a you thing.

in the process of overworking yourself, you ended up pushing away everyone close to you, leaving you to be by yourself so you could focus on training. you were good friends with bob, but you also didn't know him for that long, so he had only seen this happen once before. he had absolutely no idea how to help you. he tried to ask phoenix for advice, but she had just told him to talk to you about it, and that was the thing, he didn't know how to. he had come up with the general things he wanted to bring up, but maybe it was way too late for that.

you remembered the events all too well, how you could not? it was just a few hours ago. you pushed yourself too hard for the exercise, you had gotten the closest to hitting the target than anyone else, but ended up blacking out in the process of going up the simulated mountain that lead to coffin corner. maverick managed to wake you up with the loud alarm that came along when an enemy locked onto your jet, but by the time you regained consciousness it was too late to save your jet, leaving you to eject at the very last second possible.

now you sat in a hospital bed, head resting against the back of it with your eyes shut and nails digging into the arm rests of it. you were sure that no one could be more disappointed in you than yourself right now.

"hey, uh— earth to [n]?" you were pulled out of your thoughts, opening your eyes to be met with bob standing at the side of your hospital bed, "hi, bob."

sitting down in the chair beside your hospital bed, bob's facial expression contorted into puzzled look, as if he was trying to make sense of something.

"i need to talk to you about something," he began rambling on and on about how unhealthy your overworking habits were, "you can come to me, y'know."

"i know." looking down at your lap, you felt tears well up in your eyes, bob was nothing but a sweetheart to you, and you pushed him away. he noticed and immediately pulled you into a hug, well, the best he could manage with you being in a hospital bed.

"i have to go back out with phoenix, so i'll see you later, okay?"

"okay." you smiled, watching as he jogged out the room to phoenix, who was waiting outside with her eyebrow raised. she patted him on the back and gave you a quick wave before dragging him away.

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

[plumteaa-remus]

Mini comic of Ghost dreaming of Christmas

Hi everyone ! For the past few weeks I've been working on those three little comic pages. I'm trying very hard to go towards a more "better done than perfect" mindset, so those pages are very self indulgent and far from perfect but I'm proud that I could get them done.

I have so much to say about those three stupid pages so here is a little rent about everything that was going through my mind while drawing those pages !

So first let's establish the context just in case. There is a 6 issues comic called « Modern warfare 2 : Ghost » which tells us everything about Ghost’s childhood, what lead him to go from Simon Riley to Ghost, and how he joined the task force 141.

In this comic we also see that Simon’s entire family got murdered on Christmas. He came home, and found his mother, his brother Tommy, his sister in law, and his nephew Joseph, all dead in the living room.

That’s for the canon, everything that follows is purely headcanons from my part, about how I would imagine Ghost to grief and stuff. 

So I imagine Ghost’s childhood to be pretty blurry, his mind managed to bury the worst very deep, the months he spent getting tortured and broken apart are foggy as well, but the image of his family slaughtered in the living room is simply engraved in his mind. He relives the moment in his sleep too often, it always goes on the same way, he stands before the front door, he sees it’s already open, he enters, and sees the same atrocious scene each time. 

There is one time though where it was different and it somehow managed to be even more painful than his usual nightmares.

This time again he stands before the open front door and enters, he is calm, he is prepared, but ends up being caught totally off guard at the sight of his mother alive and well, welcoming him. He stands there, absolutely static as his mother comes to hug him, totally unable to understand what happens. Her face seems off tho, it’s inconsistent. It’s been too long since he last saw her so his mind makes a sort of patchwork based on souvenirs and fills the blanks with assumptions (it's something I really wanted to draw but it was a bit of a struggle.But my initial plan was for Simon's mother to have different features in each panels to show he struggles to remember what her face was like.) But one thing that is for sure accurate with reality, and something he just can't forget, is the warmth of her embrace. For just a moment he feels like a little kid again, melting into his mother’s arms for comfort. He lets himself sink into the heat and the solace of this vision, but he is stripped away from it before he could even begin to say anything that really mattered which hurted more than he could have imagined. 

When he wakes up, he shivers, because as he opens his eyes he realizes that all that is left is the immeasurable coldness of her absence. Thankfully he is not totally alone, he got his dog Riley! (Yes it’s supposed to be the same Riley from call of duty : ghosts, my idea was that Simon was looking to adopt a retired military dog and adopted Riley who could have retire for any reason idk)

I have so much ideas about Ghost grieving his mother so expect more little pages like this in the future. I want to get better at drawing comics so little pages like this are a perfect practice ! And grief is my favorite subject in fiction ever, and after Ghost lost so many people he is the perfect material to work around this theme. I'll focus on his grieving his mother because I'm an idiot who loves to project on fictional character lmao.

I think that's it ! I said everything that was on my mind for now !

[doublegoblin]

Writer positivity tag

Thanks @lola-theshowgrl for the tag, thinkin we could all do with a little more positivity!

1. What motivates you to write?

Well you've got the good of fulfilling a creative need/want. The sense of "oh man I wish I could do that" and then just actually doing it. And adding something to the world that maybe somebody else might enjoy.

But, there's also the reasoning of helping me work through some stuff and keeping me grounded when the brain juice machine breaks. I picked writing up more consistently when I was between jobs and in a pretty dark place. Also when I am feeling overstimulated or just there is just T O O M U C H going on, I can slip away and guide that energy towards something rather than letting it sit and cause my atoms to vibrate out of existence.

2. A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

So this is from the second story with Hank and Mikey, idk, when I was writing it out I couldn't help but giggle. I did change it a little as the flow wasn't quite right before.

~

As the man’s head slowly loomed down into view his expression changed from a confident sneer to a confused frown. Pointed right between his eyes was the barrel of a sawed-off shotgun. His eyes traced it up to the hand holding it, up the arm, then all the way to Hanks beet red face and burning eyes. 

“I-” the man started to say.

“Merry Christmas, get the fuck out.”

~

3. Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

Hank/Mikey. I don't write too much about them, as they are pretty recent. But, they are just a couple of dudes who love each other and weird shit just keeps happening to them. They occupy a place in my writing brain when I want to write something spooky but silly, where the victim ends up being the monster causing the problem.

They aren't monster hunters or anything, they just get out of dodge by pure dumb-shit luck. Like hitting a monstrous deer with a baseball bat.

4. What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

Starting with an idea and then just having the characters take it over and watching where it all goes from there. Also, making accidental metaphors, there have been a couple of times I've gotten done writing and had a lightbulb moment of "oh I did something there without thinking"

An example: When Alex goes to see Dave they transmute their body into a porcelain like material. I had originally thought of it like a doll and doll master thing, but Dave is a being or more order and regulations and the porcelain could represent the outwardly beautiful but ultimately very fragile nature of order and laws.

5. What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

I think I write pretty decent dialogue. Maybe not the most profound but I feel like I get the timing and flow of a natural conversation pretty well. If anything else I let the character of the, well, character come through in their words.

6. What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

Honestly I really like these tag games, they keep me on my toes and actually writing. That and it gives me a chance to put little tidbits out there for people to see and maybe come check me out.

7. A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

Bruh I just use google docs so lol idk. If I had to answer, laptop. It frees up a lot of space and ability to do my own thing when my partner wants to use the computer.

8. A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

It is super simple but how is Rituals and Red Tape, the eldritch cults/nature of the The Board is only comprehensible to those under them as a big ass office culture. They are not your master but your Boss and you aren't a cult member you are an employee. I don't think I'll end up going into too great of detail in the writing but this is based on a misunderstanding between The Board and their first batch of Dreamers, and it just kind of has continued on like that because it works for everyone.

9. What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

Write slop. Write actual garbage. It doesn't ever have to see the light of day or even the next automatic saving. But, if you are trying to commit to working on a project, the moment you start to lose that drive to write, STOP. I've often closed the document mid sentence or even mid word. Just save it, and close it, don't debate, just close.

10. Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters

@asterhaze @dragonscantbetamed @monstrousfreedom @tailoroffates @toribookworm22 - and as always anyone else who wants to added some positivity into their world.

[papytonpropaganda]

First of all: happy new year, hope this year will turn out great for you

I was actually just checking your blog today and was wondering what ur up to.

Idk, got anything to ramble about? What about Walls, or any other kind of fanfiction, have you made any progress or got new interesting ideas? I am honestly very curious about any kind of new information lol !!

thanks so much, same to you!!

it has been,,,,, very hard to write for the past several months. I have completed like. a single one-shot and a drabble since last August. my job is just so soul-sucking, the people who shop at the store I work at can be very unkind and entitled and dehumanizing, and I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that it is actively damaging my mental and physical health and it's not worth staying even if it's more convenient for my bosses. I will miss a lot of my coworkers, but I just can't keep doing this. I'm hoping to find somewhere quieter to work with a different clientele, and to stay part-time this time so I'm not expending all my energy at my job.

fortunately, just the thought of leaving is giving me a little more energy, so I'm planning on getting back to writing today, hopefully more regularly. one of my friends made a little Papyton Christmas prompt list over the holidays and I really want to write for it even if Christmas is over, lol. I also want to do some drabbles for the Asgorecember event I (barely) helped run, start a couple new series, and work on some old fics that haven't been updated in a good while. I also really want to take requests again, so I might do that later this month.

as for Walls, I haven't really had a chance to convene with Pixie (now a co-creator of the universe/timeline Walls takes place in) lately because of the holidays, so not much has been done on that front, but if I'm lucky and I'm able to find a better job, we might be able to set up regular times to work on it. we are still aiming for May 2024 for the release of the first chapters.

I've explained the current plans for Walls in this post, but to tldr (since it's a bit of a long post), the main story is now going to be split into 3 fics due to the large cast and the complexity of the material I'm working with--one fic will be Papyrus's POV, one will be Mettaton's, and then the last fic, when both individual arcs are wrapped up, will be a mix of both for the final arc.

I've been trying to avoid titling anything, but I listen to too much music so I've already got tentative plans from song titles/lyrics. I've been dying to share them so I'll put them under the cut at the end of this ask in case people don't want to be spoiled.

so uhhhhhhh yeah that's that. very excited to hopefully make a writing comeback!! I've missed sharing things with you all.

potential titles for Walls fics under the cut, please do not look under the cut if you don't want to be spoiled!!

Papyrus fic - "R.E.M." (based on "R.E.M" by Ariana Grande)

Mettaton fic - "song of the caged bird" (based on "Song of the Caged Bird" by Lindsey Stirling)

Final arc - "sweetener" (based on "sweetener" by Ariana Grande) (still waffling a lot on this title tbh)

[magicalink]

Honestly genshin universe is like a little peaceful refuge to me where I can rest from the unfair and violent world we live in. Ofc I wanna keep working on the things I consider useful and right for real life but I seriously need a break from time to time and thats when I write my little imaginations about the genshin aus I create. Little universes that are way nicer and more peaceful than ours.

Sometimes they are stories about people I would like to meet or relationships I would like to have. Feelings I would like to experience. Sometimes I even write about the nasty feelings or relationships I had, to explore them and as some way of catharsis.

Any way, it makes a nice rest from all the demons I have to tame in real life, so I wanna keep indulging in it as long as I have fun with it. Even though I have posted very few fics, I have tons of material on my pc but I dont post it bc it's unfinished 🤷‍♀️ One of the things I wanna do next year is finish more of them to give them closure and post them. Next year I want to be more organized in all aspects of my life!

Idk why I wrote this, I just felt like it. It's like a little excerpt of a journal I guess? Some sort of Christmas/end of year catharsis or smth

Yeah lots of deep thoughts but in summary more Scarasmut is coming this way. It's such a nice refuge from all the nasty things that happen around the world.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Someone gift me baby karasu with a bow that’s the only thing I’ll ever reply with when people ask me what I want LMAOO

I def wanna see them pro but something about seeing the pro would also feel bittersweet to me somehow?? Idk like now that they’re pro we KNOW it’s over but errrr idk I don’t have a better solution HAHA im ngl I was into kuroko no basket for awhile but it was way after it ended and I almost died with how the fandom was kinda inactive and lack of content im just glad that since BLLK is ongoing now it won’t be as barren lolol

I would tell you to search it up but you’re gonna wanna burn your eyes after…I only heard of it via booktok (Idek how I landed there because I don’t rlly read that much now either nor do I interact or follow any book accs? Thank god I’m out now I wonder if maybe some ppl just went viral) but oh my god why would you think of writing such a thing??? I honestly don’t have an issue with dark content either since I think it allows more exploration of deeper topics sometimes but idek the door and pillow thing wasn’t even dark topic it’s just..??? ???????? ????? I don’t know what to say but you’re on the dot with weird smut

Im hopeful that s2 will def get things going again!!! Like pls fill up Ao3 too like why’s there nothing there.

You’re so right….a very good choice on your end LMAO he def doesn’t fit the arranged marriage trope as well and his canon ninja background was the perfect set up for this!!!

OOOO IM EXCITED LMAOAOA can’t wait to see tabieitaken hollyhock au style…

OOOOOO WAIT THATS SO COOL?!?! On my toes waiting for the next installment o7 (also for whatever reason I think it’s so funny when people go [redacted] I laughed so hard maybe my humors broken)

Oops I meant the cursed child trope in the sense that everyone (or those around them) believe in it LMAOAO I think it’s more interesting when people around them buy into that myth and make their life hard as opposed to just flat out actual misfortune whoopsie

KARASU APPEARANCE no because I was thinking too like…is Mira gonna add Karasu…or are we omitting for the sake of keeping karasu a main lead type of thing…LMAO can’t wait though!!!

-Karasu anon

BABY KARASU W A BOW all i want for christmas is HIM!! he’s just a princess fr i love him sm

watching a fandom slowly die after the source material ends is the WORST at least the anime/epinagi are much further behind from the main manga so it’ll be a while before it’s over!! some series do stay generally popular even afterwards so hopefully bllk is one of those 👆🏻

HELP I JUST LOOKED UP THE PILLOW ONE WTF 😭 that’s not even dark that’s just bizarre…where are these people getting their ideas from 😔

i feel like jjk also blew up heavily with season 2 coming out (although tbf it was already hugely popular) so i think (hope) bllk will be the same!! obv not to the same extent as jjk because whatever is going on there is like unprecedented levels of popularity but for sure i do think more people will get into it now that more characters will be there and there’ll be more content

YES like otoya being a lord or highborn just doesn’t have the right ring to it!! he’s too unserious i could not see him being dignified or dutiful esp not in an arranged marriage scenario where he doesn’t even care abt his wife that much. karasu or yukimiya 100% (more so yuki but karasu could make it work i think). ninjas tended to be lowborn/peasants too so it’ll be interesting to juxtapose him and y/n + show him interacting with a lot of the characters who ARE more noble (y/n, yuki, etc).

TABIEITAKEN HOLLYHOCK AU MY FAVORITE MORALLY GREY ASSHOLES 💖 there is not one good person in that fic (except maybe anri) just some characters you do root for and some you don’t HAHA i’m excited for all of the reveals and character development i think it’s going to be sooo fun

YESS it’ll be clearer once i finish the story where i got my inspiration from. i love drawing from history as an inspiration!! like ofc i’m not going to go word for word but it’s nice to have something that i can reference if needed and build my own plot off of. i def think it makes hollyhock unique…like a) it’s a fic w OTOYA as the main love interest (not the usual suspects itoshi bros) and also it’s set in a relatively unusual setting + is engaging with a generally overlooked aspect of that time period. like forget being a weak lady who falls in love w her arranged marriage husband 🥱 y/n is scheming plotting killing etc etc (or at least she will be eventually). i love mcs who are just a little Not Normal and i really think this y/n is like that!! as shown when she was completely willing to sacrifice her half brother if it meant living. like yes 100% he’s an ass but also girl that’s still an entire life you do NOT gaf abt 😭 omg and otoya when he heard her say that…bro realized he had finally found someone to match his 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 💖 truly the otp we all never needed

ooh yes i do think y/n is a victim of that trope while she’s staying w the hiiragis!! although as much of it is just them hating on her because they hate that she’s such an embarrassment to them…i’m excited to show how other characters (otoya and co) react to the circumstances that make the hiiragis hate her!! it’ll def be interesting (and also a lot of it is based in actual japanese mythology/tradition…despite my disclaimer i actually do enjoy researching and sprinkling in details like that!! i just had that in there in case some historian type of person came to my comments freaking out abt how something or another isn’t accurate 😭)

i feel like karasu HAS to be there HAHAHA it truly wouldn’t be otoya if his bestie isn’t present especially since yuki exists in-universe too!! he’s also going to be super important to the story but it will break my heart knowing that things w him will never be romantic 😔 though honestly “romantic” is a stretch even for y/n’s eventual relationship w eita 😰 it will be intense and passionate and pining and many other such things but unfortunately with all of the political nonsense they’re up to (unifying the warring states and whatnot) there won’t be too much time for a healthy proper relationship. long story short expect a slow burn 😈

ALSO BTW I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE INVESTED IN THE STORY writing fics for random characters is sooo hard sometimes because there’s usually not a lot of engagement/feedback 🤒 as long as i have even one reader who likes to yap w me i can usually manage it though so i am very grateful for you bae 🫶🏻 doing the otoya nation a great service

[janeeyreheresy]

A Happy Ending or An Unreliable Narrator?

Was the ending truly a happy one--or is Jane lying to us?

Let's take a look: Jane Eyre ("I am no bird no net ensnares me") married her much older former master, who, due to his limited use of limbs and visual impairment, requires care. We know there's no hired carer, because Jane explicitly says she was the one who looked after him (hence why she had to send Adele to school) and also, as I noted in my recap post, it's not likely they'd be able to hire anyone. They've got no room for a live-in staff and a live-out one won't be able to make their daily way to Ferndean, which is located away from habitable civilisation.

Ferndean Manor, we are told, is not in a good state. We are told that Rochester didn't move Bertha there because the damp walls would eventually result in her death. This is the house where the Rochesters now live. Jane, however, tells us nothing about any repairs being done. Neither does she mention any decorating, purchasing furniture, wallpaper, carpets, curtains, pictures on the walls--zilch. She got a lot of pleasure out of cleaning Moor House in time for Christmas (shortly after she discovered she and the Riverses were cousins). Just look at this:

“My first aim will be to clean down (do you comprehend the full force of the expression?)—to clean down Moor House from chamber to cellar; my next to rub it up with bees-wax, oil, and an indefinite number of cloths, till it glitters again; my third, to arrange every chair, table, bed, carpet, with mathematical precision; afterwards I shall go near to ruin you in coals and peat to keep up good fires in every room; and lastly, the two days preceding that on which your sisters are expected will be devoted by Hannah and me to such a beating of eggs, sorting of currants, grating of spices, compounding of Christmas cakes, chopping up of materials for mince-pies, and solemnising of other culinary rites, as words can convey but an inadequate notion of to the uninitiated like you. My purpose, in short, is to have all things in an absolutely perfect state of readiness for Diana and Mary before next Thursday; and my ambition is to give them a beau-ideal of a welcome when they come.”

This one paragraph contains more home cosiness than the entire last chapter. The "I have now been married ten years" paragraph may be very poetic, but it tells us nothing. She was his eyes, then he regained some sight, so he can pretty much move about by himself. She says they visit Diana and Mary, but that's all. Nothing else about how they spend their time, the long summer days or the long winter nights.

And then, that "when his first-born was put into his arms" line. Even Katniss Everdeen isn't this cold about her kids, and she didn't want any. She only had them because Peeta talked her into it. There's nothing in the book that would indicate whether Jane wanted children, but neither is there anything that would indicate she didn't want them. Presumably she did, married life would have meant kids (unless, idk, they lived sexlessly, or there was birth control). She only mentions how Rochester felt about the kid ("On that occasion, he again, with a full heart, acknowledged that God had tempered judgment with mercy."), not her. It's baffling.

Lastly, the final words are dedicated to St John. Why? She receives his letter from India, in which he tells her he feels death coming. She gets tears in her eyes. Does she wish she married him instead?

Of course, that would not have been a better option than marrying Rochester in any way, but she may have thought the grass was greener in St John-landia.

So to sum it up, there's certainly an argument against it being a happy ending. Take it any way you wish.

Personally I don't care. I actually think she was, indeed, happy. I may not see caring for a spouse in a dump like Ferndean in Bumfuck Nowhere a happy ending, but that's me. Jane, however, does. This is a woman with a very limited worldview, who has never been anywhere and not met many people, who fell in love with the first man who crossed her path, who at barely twenty years old believes nobody will ever love her the way the Roch did. She doesn't think that she deserves anything better than what she got. So yeah, she was happy.

But like I said, I don't care. What I do care about is that Bertha was happy after her escape and divorce from Rochester.